• @menamejmaw

Relating to Grief - Pending

Updated: Feb 22, 2021

As we grow close to the one year mark of Dad's passing, I find myself juggling the struggle with all other facets of my Life.

It's hard.

This morning, my grief reminded me of an echo. The intensity of it changing from the initial sound that shattered through my consciousness over the past 12 months, but it's recording etched in the ether as it vibrates and reflects back.

It sucks.

Life as a whole is full of so much beauty, and grief sure is a 'wonderful' experience to point us to that, but learning to live with the void, it's a very personal undertaking.

No one conversation is a salve, though the many I've had with Bev, have been certainly shed Light. I appreciate the interest of family and friends but it's different for them. The process itself is different for my Mom, Brother, and I, so how could it not be different for those who aren't as close to the situation?

So that takes me back and forth between feelings of anger and gratitude. I understand the gratitude and why it's important but beneath the surface I feel so much anger.


So many reasons.

Not with God or anyone. More so angry with the process of Life going on and figuring it out. I find myself increasingly disillusioned at work and part of the struggle of the juggle is I recognize how fortunate I am to still be working. It just doesn't seem important. Nothing about the normal pursuits really seem to matter. No one else knows where I'm at with it, because another 'wonderful' thing of grief - it's my grief. It's certainly relatable, but as every experience is its own, so to our our travels through them.

Each of us as we travel grief, or any other emotional experience for that matter, relates to it in our own way and process.

And that's okay.

In fact, it's probably healthy. And if some of the unfolding goes astray, it's also natural. What's unhealthy is when we suppress or deny when all we can do is to trust the process of Life, as mad as fuck as it can make us.

We have to do that because the cycle of of Living on to the change brought with Death has been around far longer than we.

Whether this is the first time you've read my words or you've just returned, I do believe in God. As I continue my marathon, my understanding of such a concept dissolves and further am I reminded that the ebb and flows of expanding through consciousness, all its Truth can be witnessed in Nature. Within and with the out that is reflected all around

Because of that, I have to believe that God is the echo. God is the waves that sometimes crash and other times gently brush against.

God is Love and Grief is so damn maddening because of how magnified that Love that's changed through Death is magnified.

Aloha ke Akua / Mahalo ke Akua

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